What are the specifics of premarital relationships? Premarital relationship of the bride and groom
Forming a full-fledged family is enough difficult process, and there is hardly a marriage that has not experienced a crisis in the first years of its existence. Family is a community based on the marriage of spouses (father, mother) and their children (own and adopted), connected spiritually, by common life and mutual moral responsibility. A family is created on the basis of marriage, consanguinity, adoption, and on other grounds permitted or not prohibited by law and consistent with moral norms and rules of society. . Perhaps the most difficult moment in establishing family life is the psychological adaptation of spouses to the conditions of living together and each other’s individual personal characteristics, the formation within family relations, bringing together the habits, ideas, and values of young spouses and other family members. Depending on how the “grinding in” of two personalities goes at the initial stage of marriage, the viability of the family largely depends. From two, often very different halves, it is necessary to create a whole, without losing yourself and at the same time not destroying inner world another. The philosopher I. Kant argued that a married couple should form, as it were, a single moral personality. It is very difficult to achieve such a unification, since this process is associated with many difficulties beyond a person’s control.
The most serious mistakes are made by young people even before marriage, during the courtship period. Youth is a socio-demographic group identified on the basis of a combination of age characteristics, characteristics of social status and socio-psychological properties determined by both. As psychologists note, many young people make the decision to marry thoughtlessly, highlighting in their future spouse those character traits and personal characteristics that play an insignificant, secondary, and sometimes negative role in family life. Marriage is a historically conditioned, socially regulated form of relations between the sexes, between a man and a woman, establishing their rights and responsibilities in relation to each other and to children. . Therefore, the first problems of a young family begin with the problems of choosing a future spouse. According to research by psychologists, one of the most common reasons for the breakdown of relationships between young spouses is disappointment in the marriage partner, since during the period of premarital communication he was unable (did not want, did not bother) to obtain the most complete information about his future life partner. Approximately two thirds of future spouses meet by chance, during leisure time, sometimes just on the street. However, they, as a rule, know nothing about each other. .
In the system of motives for choosing a marriage partner, it is necessary to distinguish between actual motivations and motives.
Motivations are the rational explanations that people give for their actions and actions. The true motivating reasons for their behavior can be either fully and correctly realized, or not fully or incorrectly realized, or not realized at all. In solving such a difficult problem for himself as choosing a marriage partner, a person does not always distinguish between true motives and motivations; most often they appear to him in a general, mixed form.
Often the marriage choice a person makes today is determined by his past experiences. In particular, the experience gained during life in the parental family. It may happen that the marriage partner is chosen “in the image and likeness” of the parent of the opposite sex. Sometimes a person selects a partner with whom he could recreate the model of the parental family (for example, patriarchal); form a relationship similar to that which existed between his parents. Often an individual seeks to recreate not the model of parental relationships, but his own position among brothers and sisters, which he occupied in the parental family. For example, a man who had an older sister chooses as his wife a woman with whom he could feel like a younger brother - he expects her to take care of him and have a protective attitude. Often, marriage choice is made on the basis of the projection of desires unsatisfied in childhood. Each of the partners has hidden needs that were not satisfied by their parents in childhood, and for marriage chooses a person who would help him recreate his infantile situations and return to his not fully resolved conflicts. Partners interact, experimenting on themselves, trying to mutually respond and resolve their neurotic problems.
In general terms, the motivation of a family union can include four main motives: economic-household, moral-psychological, family-parental and intimate-personal. A person can get married, basically (precisely basically, because in any marriage other motives are present to some extent), focusing on:
- 1) to a predominantly economic and household union, sincerely believing that the main thing in a family is a well-established life and housekeeping;
- 2) a moral-psychological union, wanting to find a true friend and life partner who understands him well;
- 3) family-parent union, pedagogical, based on the fact that the main function of the family is the birth and upbringing of children;
- 4) intimate-personal union, trying to find a desired and beloved partner for love.
Thus, among the many motives that underlie marriage choice, we can conditionally distinguish at least five main motives: love, spiritual intimacy, material calculation, psychological compliance, moral considerations. .
Forming a full-fledged family is a rather complex process. A special point in establishing family life is the psychological adaptation of spouses to the conditions of living together and to each other’s individual and personal characteristics, the formation of intrafamily relationships, the convergence of habits, ideas, and values of young spouses and other family members. It is necessary to create a whole from two often very different halves, without losing yourself and at the same time not destroying the inner world of the other.
The most serious mistakes are made by young people even before marriage, during the courtship period. Many young people make the decision to get married thoughtlessly, highlighting in their future spouse character traits and personal characteristics that play an insignificant, secondary, and sometimes negative role in family life. One of the most common reasons for the disruption of relationships between young spouses is disappointment in the marriage partner, since during the period of premarital communication he was unable (did not want, did not bother) to obtain the most complete information about his future life partner. Two thirds of future spouses, as a rule, meet by chance, sometimes just on the street. However, most often they know nothing about each other.
In these cases, partners usually see each other’s “ceremonial”, “output” face (ceremonial clothing, neatness in appearance, neat cosmetics, etc.), which can be used to hide external and characterological flaws. At the first stages of acquaintance, it is generally common for people, consciously or unconsciously, to try to appear better and exaggerate their merits. The situation of premarital cohabitation does not allow one to sufficiently get to know each other, since the partners in it act in roles that differ from legalized family ties (there are no parental functions; the household and budget can only be partially shared, etc.).
Young people's idea of the personal characteristics of a future companion often diverges from the qualities that are traditionally valued in communication partners. For example, girls sympathize with young men who are energetic, cheerful, handsome, tall, and able to dance, and they imagine their future spouse, first of all, to be hardworking, honest, fair, smart, caring, and able to control himself. Beautiful, cheerful girls who can dance and have a sense of humor are popular among young men, and the future wife should, first of all, be honest, fair, hardworking, etc. It follows from this that young people understand that a marriage partner must have many qualities that are not necessary for a communication partner.
However, the criteria for mutual assessments often become external data and currently significant personal qualities that bring satisfaction in everyday life. Attachments and feelings that arise in the process of leisure communication create an emotional image of a partner, when some realities are simply not noticed. In marriage, the emotional veil is gradually removed and a realistic image is built, as a result of which disappointment and conflict can arise. Inaccurate mutual recognition and idealization of each other may be due to the existence of evaluative stereotypes in people’s minds (physiognomic misconceptions, everyday generalizations associated with profession, nationality, gender, social status, etc.). Stereotypes of this kind lead to attributing missing traits to each other or projecting traits of one’s ideal or one’s own positive characteristics onto a partner.
It is not so easy for young people to understand feelings, to distinguish love from falling in love, etc. The desire for warmth, pity, the need for a friend, fear of loneliness, prestigious considerations, pride, sexual desire associated with the satisfaction of physiological needs - all this is passed off or mistaken for love , and young people recklessly get married, falling into the “trap of falling in love.”
Traps can be:
- “mutual acting”: partners play romantic roles in accordance with the expectations of each other, friends and relatives and, in order not to deceive their expectations, they can no longer leave the accepted roles;
- “community of interests”: similarity of hobbies is taken as kinship of souls;
- “wounded pride”: someone does not notice or rejects, and there is a need to win, to break resistance;
- the “inferiority” trap: a person who is not successful suddenly becomes an object of courtship and love;
- “intimate luck”: satisfaction with sexual relationships overshadows everything else;
- “mutual accessibility”: quick and easy rapprochement creates the illusion of complete compatibility and a cloudless life on the marital horizon;
- “pity”: marriage out of a sense of duty, a feeling of the need to patronize;
- “decency”: a long period of acquaintance, intimate relationships, obligations to relatives or to each other morally force one to marry;
- “benefit” or “shelter”: in its purest form, this is a marriage of convenience.
Traps can lead to love and a successful marriage, provided that selfishness is overcome, the motives for getting married and one’s possible guilt are understood.
Premarital relationships should not be viewed as a stable entity. Like any interpersonal relationship, they have their own dynamics. Their formation from the first meeting to the emergence of a stable couple represents a process that undergoes a number of changes in its development and goes through various stages. One of the most important features The dynamics of premarital relations is that as the relationship develops, intergroup mechanisms for understanding a partner, which give an inaccurate, stereotypical idea of him, are replaced by interpersonal mechanisms that allow us to understand the other in the fullness of his individuality, originality and uniqueness. If in the process of this replacement a failure occurs and the interpersonal mechanisms of understanding the other in a couple do not work to the extent required for establishing and maintaining deep personal relationships, then such a couple breaks up, and with it the problem of getting married and creating a family disappears.
The breakdown of any relationship is not a single event, but a process that goes through four phases of destruction of relationships between partners. The first is that one or both partners come to realize dissatisfaction with the relationship. Second, a discussion begins with the partner about the possible termination of the relationship. Third, information about the breakdown of relationships is communicated to close social circles (friends, relatives, mutual acquaintances, etc.). The final phase includes awareness, experiencing the consequences of the breakup and overcoming them. At the same time, it should be borne in mind that not in all pairs the rupture occurs through each of the indicated phases. In addition, the duration of each phase and its significance for partners may be different. This may be their gradual fading or a sharp break in all contacts between partners.
To find truly intimate relationships
in marriage, spouses need to become “one flesh” at the level
spirit, soul and body.
The point of marriage is to bring joy. It is implied
that married life is the happiest, fullest, purest life,
rich. This is the Lord's decree of perfection.
From the diary of the holy martyr
and the passion-bearer Queen Alexandra
about the importance of family and family life
Building a happy family is possible if young people do not make a number of mistakes before getting married. This is largely determined by the quality of premarital relationships.
Premarital relationships are relationships between people before marriage, when there is a desire to start a family, but a specific person has not yet been found. Premarital relationships include a number of other aspects that should be paid attention to. Literally everyone wants to create a happy family before marriage, but before marriage they behave in such a way that it prevents them from creating a truly happy and strong family. What mistakes do young people make here?
First typical mistake that life before marriage should be lived cheerfully. You have to live in such a way that your whole life is like fireworks. People with such a life attitude even design themselves differently. For example, some girls style themselves as a female vampire. She is determined that a man, looking at her, would fall at her feet. Extremely bright makeup, catchy hairstyle, provocative clothes. Such girls dress according to fashion, although the latter is filled with sexual traps (deep necklines, transparent clothes, exposed parts of the body, etc.). The girl is hung with such sexual traps, and then wonders why it is impossible to go out into the city, why men begin to behave like animals...
In psychology there is such a concept as victimization– “victim” behavior, why is everyone attacking me? There is a gap between how a person evaluates himself, what he expects from the situation, and how he presents himself. In fact, such clothing symbolizes: “I am looking for a sexual partner.” The words are one, the appearance is another. This is also facilitated by advertising, which liberates women’s thinking; a woman loses her dignity and devalues herself. Men clearly read the information, and then endless problems begin... A man behaves with a woman the way she allows herself to behave with him. The same man behaves differently with different women. By the way, one of the reasons for rape is wearing such sexy clothes. There must be moderation in everything.
Attractive, smart, feminine - that’s exactly what attracts men. It is important to remember that when a girl is in a good mood, she smiles, but if she is in a bad mood, her face becomes distorted and distorted. You should pay attention to yourself, think about your future.
If men pay great attention to fashion and the design of their appearance, then in this case a compensatory mechanism comes into force, indicating, first of all, that young people are spiritually insolvent. Being carried away by their appearance, a young man loses the opportunity for spiritual improvement, which, as a consequence, , manifests itself very quickly in family life. Young girls who marry such handsome men early at first say with a breath: “He’s so handsome!” However, over time they begin to understand that beauty fades into the background. It's just a pretty wrapper.
The second common mistake is This is the attitude of young people that they should take everything from life. One of the attributes of this attitude is the frequent change of sexual partners. Some are guided by the judgment that in this way they are looking for a person who would be sexually suitable.
Promiscuity is aimed at the attitude of “take everything from life” and resembles an urn that picks up everything. It is interesting to note that no man wants to take such used women as wives; they are simply used. If they say about men: they will go crazy, then women are not forgiven for this, because a specific attitude towards them is already being formed. Those girls who think that sexual relationships are an expression of love also deceive themselves. In this context, it would be more appropriate to give a figurative example. Let's take some tape. If you use it several times (stick it and peel it off), then each time it begins to lose its properties. So it is with a “walking” girl: a certain dullness, a habit arises, a comparison of the first with the third begins, etc. Biologists and doctors have long noted that female body adapts at the level of microflora to the male. So, one girl lives sexually with one person, then with another, and as a result, her birth canal begins to become dirty and lose its protective properties (it resembles a trash can - approx. author). As a result, infertility develops. To be happy, you need to think with your head. When sexual relations begin, the girl becomes more dependent on the man (“and the two shall become one flesh” /Gen. 2:24/).
Surveys show that guys usually look for virgins as wives, and some of the girls themselves emphasize that “no one needs a used girl later, and there is no demand from men.”
Some guys with the attitudes “get everything from life” and “life should be lived cheerfully” are determined to have fun without straining. It is very profitable for them to manipulate others; laugh, take everything from the girl, and then throw her away as “used.” In our culture, guys have more room for activity, which is why people say “he’ll go crazy,” and about a girl, “there’s a stigma on her.”
This kind of relationship represents the creation of trial marriages. People have the idea that we will live together and if we are sexually suitable for each other, then maybe we will get married. Outwardly it looks convincing. What happens then?
Firstly, there is absolutely no equality in such relationships. By definition, there can be no love here.
Secondly, as soon as sexual relations begin, the woman psychologically becomes more dependent on the man. Moreover, when the goal is achieved, it is replaced by everyday life, when the same thing happens day after day. Addiction sets in, the woman becomes dependent, and the man experiences a dulling of feelings, especially if the woman begins to behave capriciously. What happens next?
A woman leads a man to marriage (he is on the throne, and she is around him, pulling the decision out of him). Women endure and endure, and then move on to stimulated marriage when she becomes pregnant. As a result, the man feels caught and deceived, and the woman is deeply unhappy and feels offended.
Thirdly, if there is a frequent change of sexual partners, then due to cluttering of the birth canal, the child is born with complications, and in most cases, serious problems arise with conceiving children. After all, the mother must be pure, and the child, like her, must be born in purity. This does not mean that a man is allowed to behave as he wants, but a woman has a special role in this, because the child is born in her body. You should think seriously and come to your senses: how can a clean child be in a dirty place?
Trial marriage, promiscuity is fornication, it is sin, which means grace departs. Then a person is carried through life like the wind carries a dry leaf. This is painful, very difficult, because the dry leaf hits everything in its path, and it can generally crumble into many parts. The reason for such a life is sin.
The other extreme is homebodyism, the reason for which is not so much modesty as despondency, which is also a sin. A person himself is despondent about life, spoils his own life, and does not allow other people to treat him well. Everything is interdependent.
It is not without reason that God’s Commandments were given to man; they are written down for a reason; they are a guideline for creating a happy life. However, the person claims that they do not suit me; I myself know how to arrange my life. The result is tears, disappointments, crippled destinies...
In this regard, the question becomes natural: where to find a suitable husband or wife? Where should you meet? Surprisingly, even to this question our ancestors gave a fairly obvious answer, which was expressed in Russian folklore. “Look for your wife not in a round dance, but in the garden”, “A fool looks at his feet, but a wise man looks at his hands” - here are some examples folk proverbs and a saying. You should look not in restaurants and discos, not at non-Migov concerts, but in places of spiritual silence, because what is important in marriage is not dancing and partying, but patience and diligence.
When choosing a life partner, it would be good to use a number of filters.
The first filter is the possibility of systematic and regular contacts with your chosen one. Work colleagues, fellow students, and friends involved in joint activities find themselves in a more advantageous position as candidates for marriage.
The second filter is the selection of applicants based on external attractiveness, taking into account physique, age, etc.
The third filter determines the social basis that ensures that future spouses belong to the same socio-psychological world.
The fourth filter takes into account the similarity of attitudes and values regarding family and marriage, issues of faith, marital roles, attitudes regarding the birth and raising of children.
The fifth filter determines the ability of future spouses to satisfy each other’s most significant needs (needs of love, security, self-realization, etc.).
The sixth filter is social readiness for marriage. For men, the social “clock” is set at 27–28 years, for women this time begins at 22–23 years.
The use of these filters determines the period of premarital relations. Observations show that the happiest families are those in which premarital relationships lasted from 1 to 2 years. This is the optimal period to get to know each other better and not have any illusions about each other. During this period, according to the saying, the bride and groom manage to eat a pound of salt. If this period is shortened (premarital relationships are about six months or less), then the likelihood of quarrels, conflicts, and, accordingly, an unhappy marriage increases very sharply.
Also, before marriage, it is advisable to take a closer look at your premarital partner in 4 situations:
1. How he (she) communicates with his friends or girlfriends (friends have known for a long time, and their tone will indicate a respectful or dismissive attitude; “tell me who your friend is, and I will tell you who you are”).
3. How he (she) behaves with his parents (is there love, respect, or rudeness, neglect; it is clear what a person is like in family life, not on holidays, but on weekdays).
4. How he (she) behaves in difficulties (panics, hides, curses others or calmly overcomes them).
Family presupposes unity (“and the two will become one flesh” /Gen. 2:24/), and not lies. It is impossible to calculate the features of marriage, because family life is very diverse: relationships before marriage are one thing, and life in marriage is another thing.
You should clearly remember the following formula:
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If you do not agree with this statement, then answer yourself honestly: are you an ideal person? Each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses. Everyone has their own characteristics: some work on them, others don’t.
Psychologists note that very often in premarital relationships, a man and a woman talk through the scenario of their marital relationship, as if jokingly, but in the end everything is realized in all seriousness. Research shows that the following risk factors may occur in premarital relationships:
1. Idealization of family life (like in a fairy tale, creating castles in the air).
2. A frivolous attitude towards marriage (irresponsible attitude).
3. Forced marriage (incentivized).
4. Differences in views (attitudes) on the organization of family life (uncompromisingness).
5. Differences in views on spending free time (with friends, with beer, with the computer, etc.).
Psychologists also highlight favorable factors for creating a family:
1. Awareness of responsibility for your family.
2. Availability of housekeeping skills.
3. Blessing (consent) of the parents (they know their children better and what they need in marriage).
There is a wonderful saying among people: before marriage, lovers should look at each other with their eyes wide open, and after starting a family, keep them half-closed. It is very important to take a closer look at your chosen one before marriage, and after marriage not to notice his shortcomings.
When getting married, you need to be slow, think deeply about the right choice, and check the correctness of your decision in conversations with your parents or people with rich experience in spiritual life.
LITERATURE:
1. Brown J., Christensen D. Theory and practice of family psychotherapy. – St. Petersburg, 2001.
2. Gurko T.A. Marriage and parenthood in Russia. M.: Institute of Sociology RAS, 2008.
3. Dmitriev P.I. A word about the family. – St. Petersburg: Satis, 2004.
4. Nun Nina (Krygina). Warm hearth and home. A series of audio conversations.
5. Morozova E. A. Harmony in family and marriage: Family through the eyes of an Orthodox psychologist. – M.: Danilovsky Blagovestnik, 2009. – 384 p.
Related information.
FEDERAL AGENCY FOR EDUCATION
State educational institution higher
vocational education"Perm State University"
Department of Developmental Psychology
The idea of premarital relationships.
1st year students
correspondence department
philosophical and sociological
faculty
specialty "Psychology"
Braunagel E. S.
Department of Developmental Psychology
Zaripova L.Z.
Perm 2009
Introduction
1. Premarital period
1.1 Age of the future couple
1.2 Parents as role models
1.3 Specifics of the premarital period
1.4 Different points of view on the role of partner idealization in the premarital period
2. Love, friendship, relationships.
2.1. Types of families.
2.2. Life cycle of family development
Bibliography
Introduction
The study of family history plays an important role in the spiritual life of society. The family in the cultural and historical aspect is of enduring importance. It has specific laws of existence and development, a set of rights and responsibilities.
Yes, historical family forms have changed and will continue to change. But the family itself, as a community of men and women who love or at least sympathize with each other, is an ideal organization for the normal reproduction of the population both in quantitative and qualitative terms, the only organization where you can be loved, even if everyone else hates you, and where you can respect.
In modern Russian society There are people who are not indifferent to the topic of family, but on the other hand, it is necessary to devote as much time as possible to researching this problem.
The relevance of the chosen course topic lies in the fact that the family remains the main institution of education.
The psychology of intrafamily relationships is directly related to the psychological problems of the development of each of the individuals making up the family, being not only personalized childhood, but also personalized maturity, old age - all stages life path human, all the most pressing existential problems of humanity are presented in one form or another in the psychology of intra-family relationships already because the family is the most important element of the social situation of the development of each human individual, and the personal and social are presented here in complex, contradictory relationships.
Therefore, the purpose of the work is to study premarital and family relationships.
The object of the study is premarital relations.
The subject of the study is the relationship between a man and a woman.
The work has the following tasks:
1. Define the concept of family, its history and structural features;
2. Show the development of premarital family and marital relations;
3. Analyze the features of relationships in modern premarital relationships;
The significance of the work lies in its focus on solving the problem of mutual understanding of premarital relationships.
The course work consists of an introduction, two chapters, a conclusion, and a list of references.
The introduction defines the purpose and objectives of the study, its subject and object, and proves the relevance of the topic.
Introduction
Premarital relations between a man and a woman occupy one of the first places in the study of people's social life. The study of marriage and family problems is the most developed branch of sociological knowledge. In Russia, the population remains strongly focused on marriage. However, for last years The premarital behavior of young people has changed significantly: traditional guidelines for premarital chastity and much more have ceased to apply. At the same time, the motives for premarital sexual relations are of great interest, where the interests of men are different from the interests of women. The large difference in the views and sexual attitudes of young people compared to the older generation cannot be considered as a decline in morals, general debauchery, or death family values.
The results of many studies have shown: the totality of premarital factors that prompted young people to enter into a family union significantly influences the successful adaptation of spouses in the first years of marriage, the strength of the marriage or the likelihood of divorce. Such premarital factors are:
· Place and situation of meeting young people;
· Socio-demographic characteristics of those getting married;
· Duration of the courtship period;
· Age of the future couple;
· Time to think about a marriage proposal;
Premarital relationships with some abilities require special compensatory measures.
The casual nature of the acquaintance. Research has shown that more than 60% of successful spouses met at work or in college. Negative ambivalent and indifferent first impression. A short (up to six months) or long (more than three years) courtship period. In a short time, as a rule, young people cannot get to know each other deeply and verify the correctness of their decision to get married, and over a long period of courtship, monotony of communication and stereotypical behavior of partners arise, which can lead to cooling in the relationship - such a couple or not creates a family, or breaks up.
Prolonged consideration of a marriage proposal (More than two weeks).
Nevertheless, gender views on the nature of premarital relationships correlate with the motivation to marry. Sociologists note an irrational approach to marriage on the part of Russian youth.
Now premarital relations are turning into a race for wealth, sexual pleasure and freedom, because as sociological surveys show, young people in marriage demand universal moral values from their partners, which are often absent in premarital behavior, where no one wants to give in, and youthful maximalism manifests itself in full of beauty.
Most people getting married are confident that all the difficulties that were not noticed in the relationship during the premarital period will disappear after marriage. According to research, these difficulties remain and not only remain, but haunt young people until they are resolved once and for all. In this case, decisions on these issues can be made as follows: positive side, and in the negative, i.e. divorce.
1. Premarital period
1.1 Age of the future couple
This applies to those young people who are in a hurry or forced for various reasons to get married immediately after school. At the age of 18, a girl, as a rule, is capable of becoming a mother, her body is fully formed, she has already graduated from school and has decided on her future life. But at this age, and even more so earlier (modern Russian legislation allows marriage to begin at the age of 16), there is hardly any point in rushing to get married. The most acceptable time for marriage, according to psychologists and sociologists, is 22–23 years old. Feminine beauty reaches its peak, by this time studies have been completed and a profession acquired.
A man is also unlikely to get married at 16-18 years old. The male body matures later than the female: up to the age of 25, bones and muscles will grow, character and temperament will be formed. In addition, marriage is the beginning of regular sexual activity, which is often an unbearable burden for the fragile male body, and it is born prematurely. Material problems and difficulties in everyday life are added - an 18-19 year old husband may experience deep disappointment in family life. Not everyone can afford early marriage, but socially determined people and mature individuals should not postpone marriage for long. In recent years, there has been a trend toward marriageable age “getting older.” More and more young people are trying to get an education, a profession, have material wealth and living conditions, and therefore consider the optimal age for marriage to be after 25–27 years. However, it has been empirically proven that late age at marriage is also a premarital “risk” factor.
1.2 Parents as role models
Determinants of problems in the future may also be the behavior patterns of young people taken from the parental family.
There is a concept of duplicating parent properties. A person learns male and female roles to a large extent from his parents and unconsciously uses the model of parental relationships in his family, sometimes regardless of whether he likes it or not. This is why psychologists recommend visiting your chosen one’s parental family more often during the premarital period; this will help you get to know your future spouse more deeply.
Analyzing the specifics of the premarital period, it is necessary to note such a phenomenon as the idealization of a partner, which can also negatively affect interpersonal communication before marriage and in marital relationships.
1.3 Specifics of the premarital period
Analysis of the specifics of the premarital period allows us to formulate its functions:
Accumulation of shared impressions and experiences. At this stage, a unique emotional potential for future family life is created, a stock of feelings that allows for more successful and less “painful” adaptation to it; Deeper recognition of each other and parallel clarification and verification decision taken about the possibility of family life; Designing family life. This point, as a rule, is not considered by future spouses or is not realized by them. Most psychologists rightly note that information exchange is necessary between partners on issues such as value orientations and life plans; biographical details; idea of marriage; role expectations and aspirations; reproductive installations, etc.
1.4 Different points of view on the role of partner idealization in the premarital period
There are different points of view on the role of partner idealization in the premarital period.
1. Idealization unreasonably increases expectations for a partner and for interaction with him. The realization that the real person with whom the interaction takes place does not correspond to the idealized image, plays a destructive role, leads to deep dissatisfaction with the partner, oneself, the relationship as a whole, and with the inability or unwillingness to establish interaction taking into account a more realistic image of the partner, leads to the disintegration of the relationship.
2. According to A. Maslow, in self-actualized individuals, i.e. those who have reached the highest level of development, the level of realization of their potential, the ability to love and be loved is most clearly expressed. Their love is characterized by complete spontaneity and naturalness. Idealization is not characteristic of them at all (humanistic psychology).
3. Idealization of a partner is a stimulus for the development of his personality, determines for him a certain “zone of proximal development”, i.e. as if indicating what he can become (constructive point of view).
However, we tend to classify the idealization of a partner as a premarital risk factor, along with early or late age at marriage, romanticism of relationships, superficial and short-term communication, absence of brothers and sisters, etc.
2. Love, friendship, relationships
2.1 Types of families
Currently, there is such diversity in models for building marital relations that it is quite difficult to identify any stable forms. Mixed marriage models most often arise, but it is possible to highlight the characteristics of such marriages as civil, legal, church, visiting, parental and partner marriages.
Civil marriage (cohabitation without registration) is, by mutual consent of both, a model of a temporary union. Civil marriage is based primarily on feelings of attraction and love and is often implemented as a “trial” form of living together for young people. “We are together as long as there is love. The feeling will end and we will part,” people living in a civil marriage usually say. They can also record their own attitudes towards testing and testing their feelings for strength: “We want to live together for a while and see if we can exist together and build a family. If our life together improves, we will formalize the relationship.”
When children appear, a man and a woman, as a rule, strive to register a relationship; when love energy decreases, people separate, unencumbered by either children or common property.
A man and a woman still, as a rule, attach a certain importance to the status of the woman with whom he lives. They distinguish well between the marital roles of wife or mistress, respectively, husband or lover. The status of a wife in the eyes of a man is much higher, since it reflects his desire for stability and constancy. Also, the status of a husband is more significant for a woman, since in this case she receives objective opportunities to have children and her husband’s care for herself and the children.
Legal marriage. Of course, a stamp in a passport is not a guarantee of a prosperous and successful marriage. But still, the legal registration of a marriage relationship is the desire of partners for a serious and long-term life together, as well as a demonstration in public opinion, in front of relatives and friends, of their official marriage union.
Official marriage is also an increase in the social status of a man and a woman, the first is the head of the family, the second is the keeper of the home. The trust of others in family people is much higher than in single people, since it is those who have a family at work and in life who show responsibility and a desire for stability.
Church marriage. In recent years, many young couples and spouses with a certain amount of married life have been getting married in the Church. It's sad but true: in most cases, there is a certain fashion at play here. According to the observations of psychologists, there is no significant difference in the quality of life together between people who have formalized their relationship in the registry office or the Church.
There is no most successful marriage model. It is important to choose the model that is most suitable for this particular couple.
Problems arise when husband and wife have different ideas about the marital relationship. So, he wants to live according to the “Me + Me” type, and she wants to live according to the “We” type. As a result, he will be burdened by her excessive importunity, and she will suffer from loneliness in the family.
In order for the family to be stable, it is necessary to discuss your expectations from marriage at the moment when you decide to get married. It is important to find out how each of the young spouses wants to live: completely together, partially together or autonomously?
The pattern of family relationships can change throughout life, especially during periods of crisis. It is better to save the family and change the marriage model than to stubbornly strive to “live as before”
2.2 Life cycle of family development
Family as a self-regulating dynamic system. Boundaries of the family system. Life cycle of family development (Carter, McGoldrick, Vasilyeva). Characteristics of the main stages of the family life cycle (premarital period, the formation of a new married couple, a family with small children, a family with teenagers, the period of adult children “leaving” the family, a family during aging and old age). Specifics of tasks solved at each stage. Motives for marriage. Periods of searching for a marriage partner and “courtship.” The problem of choosing a spouse. The theory of "filters". Features of premarital relationships and their impact on family development. Risk factors and stability of a new family. The role of the parental family (by birth) for the formation and functioning of a new family. Triangulation as the main mechanism for transmitting relationship patterns to subsequent generations. Normative crises of family development. Factors that disrupt family functioning: extremely strong, long-term chronic, sudden changes in the stereotype and standard of living of the family, summation of difficulties.
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Dating, meetings, beginners
relationships between people are formed - these are those moments
the lives of people from which all types of relationships begin, including family ones. All families have a stage of premarital relations in their history. This period remains in memory as pleasant, joyful, filled with the discovery of new qualities in another that make a person more and more attractive. If this is not the case, then the relationship is destroyed. There may be no flowers and gifts, although they are an expression of the desire to please another. Meetings can be very simple in appearance, but without knowing and understanding the personality of the other, as a result, sympathy, trust, openness to each other, love appear, communication becomes primitive, and further relationships are problematic. What kind of family life will be depends on what people's premarital relationships were like. These relationships, as if in an abbreviated, compressed form, contain all the main qualities of further relationships between people.
It’s interesting that in our time there are many different kinds of recommendations and advice like “how to find a husband,” but there are practically no recommendations “how to find a good wife.” People choose for themselves what to be guided by - reason or feelings.Intelligenceanalyzes external parameters, suppresses feelings,feelings- do not allow the mind to interfere, and people do not really want its intervention. The voice of the heart is mostly incomprehensible. And in general - what isheart? Religion and medicine talk about it, and this often does not suit a person.
You need to listen to your heart, pacifying your passionate desires and taking into account what has already been reliably established by science.
In family psychology, it has been established that a number of factors that manifest themselves during the premarital period of people’s relationships have a very significant impact on the future life of the family. The results of many psychological studies have shown that premarital factors that have a significant impact on the success of adaptation in the first years of marriage, on the strength of the family, the degree of likelihood of divorce include some features of the parental family, the socio-demographic characteristics of those getting married, features of the period of acquaintance and courtship.
Influence of the parental family
Psychological characteristics of the parental family are the conditions for the formationreference images of future spouses, creating your own models of behavior in the role of husband/wife, mother/father, mother-in-law/father-in-law, father-in-law, etc. This is an environment in which family communication skills are mastered and a style of relationships with other family members is developed.
In the studies of T.I. Dymnova obtained data on the direct dependence of married families on their parents in terms of the main indicators of their vital activity. Young people unconsciously prefer partners from families that are identical to their parents in significant parameters: stability, structure, style of interpersonal interaction. Highest value have the following characteristics of the parent family: divorce parents, which increases the likelihood of their grown children getting divorced, and family conflicts(frequent, long-term, unresolved), creating an unfavorable psychological climate in the family. “...In conflict and single-parent families, children do not receive an adequate understanding of the model of successful relationships in the family. ... In families where there are divorced people, a more tolerant attitude towards divorce may develop (“readiness for divorce”).” The lack of skills in constructive conflict resolution and the style of relationships between members of conflicting and dysfunctional families subsequently become, for an adult child creating his own family, significant obstacles to creating successful relationships with his spouse and other family members.
In single-parent families, where for one reason or another there is no father or mother, the formed patterns of behavior in the role of husband/wife, father/mother also have various shortcomings and deformations that create difficulties in family relationships. This is due to the fact that the model is created on the basis of fragmentary observations of the lives of other families, images of one’s own imagination, knowledge from any literary sources, films, and in recent decades - Internet sources and social networks. Unrealistic images of a future husband or wife create difficulties in choosing a life partner, difficulties in developing relationships and often lead to disappointment and breakup. A typical manifestation of this is the sound of disappointed phrases “I thought…., and you…..!”
The influence of relationships with parents and other members of the parental family manifests itself in the fact that unfavorable, especially conflictual relationships with one’s parents can lead to the emergence of a motive for marriage in order to leave the parental family, and excessive psychological dependence on parents becomes an obstacle to independent responsible choice of a partner, mastering new social roles of husband/wife and father/mother.
It has not yet been confirmed by scientific research, but everyday experience shows that the way a man treats his mother is how he will treat his wife. This can be explained by the action of psychological mechanisms for the formation of models and styles of family behavior in the parental family. And it is confirmed by the established fact of the formation of the image of a woman-mother-wife in accordance with what the man’s mother was like in his parental family.
Age and social status of future spouses
Age of spouses is a significant factor for family and marital relations. Early age(under 19 years of age) getting married is an unfavorable factor for creating a prosperous family, because future spouses have insufficient social experience and in most cases are psychologically immature individuals. An age difference between spouses of more than 10 years is accompanied by a difference in views characteristic of people of different generations, in the interests and hobbies characteristic of each age, and over time, differences in physical capabilities appear, which becomes a condition for the destabilization of family interpersonal relationships.
Differences in the level of material well-being become a risk factor for one partner to develop a feeling of superiority over the other, a motive of material interest for the other partner to marry, which will adversely affect family relationships and the duration of its existence.
Level of education, professional status and income a husband whose social role has a great influence on the stability of the family. A direct relationship has been established: the lower the level of education, professional status and income, the higher the likelihood of divorce. The superiority of a wife in terms of education, professional status and income is also unfavorable for family and marital relations and creates its own, more destructive psychological difficulties in the relationships of family members.
Personality and appearance features
Features of appearance and health future spouses are important for family and marital relations not in themselves, but as the individual characteristics of the partners, which determine the qualitative characteristics of the family relationships of the spouses. The presence of certain diseases or physical disabilities is not an obstacle to the emergence of feelings of love, respect and other feelings for creating a family, but at the same time, feelings of empathy, responsibility, willingness to sacrifice one’s interests for the sake of another, etc. become more important. The presence of diseases and health conditions that were not reported to the partner creates the basis for mistrust, conflicts, and difficulties in communication and interaction in marriage. The partner must know about existing or past diseases that affect the quality and length of life, incl. about the presence of mental and hereditary diseases, existing alcohol or other types of addictions, the presence of HIV infection, etc.
Pregnancy of the bride increases the likelihood of divorce. This is due to two main reasons: 1) the choice of a partner for the family becomes not free, but forced by the circumstances in which, according to existing tradition, marriage should be concluded; 2) first, First stage family life is complicated by the need to adapt not only to the new roles of husband and wife, but also to the roles of mother and father, which is psychologically very difficult for many. Studies of families with premarital pregnancies have shown that they break up twice as often as other families. At the same time, the main negative factor, according to foreign sociologists K. Anitila and J. Trost, is not the premarital pregnancy itself, but the forced marriage due to this, i.e. The motive for marriage is compliance with social, moral and other norms accepted in society.
Of great importance for creating a prosperous family are psychological characteristics of the individual future spouses. The psychological immaturity of the personality of one or both spouses is a very significant risk factor for family relationships. The behavior of a psychologically immature person manifests such properties as the desire for dominance, aggressiveness, expression of anger, uncompromisingness, low or high self-esteem, jealousy, mistrust, inability and inability to show one’s feelings and understand the feelings of another (emotional isolation) and others. A. Adler believed that the manifestation of distrust in the object of love is a sign of the presence of an attitude that gives rise to constant doubts, which indicates the unpreparedness of the individual for the real problems of life. The psychological immaturity of one partner causes various violations of family and marital relations, but preserves the likelihood of the continued existence of the family. In the case when both partners are psychologically immature, family relationships are doomed to break.
Psychological features of the premarital period
The development of family relationships is influenced by 
such psychological characteristics of premarital
period, such as the first impression of a partner, the period of acquaintance and courtship, the presence of conflicts and ways to resolve them, the initiative of partners in establishing relationships, the period of consideration of a marriage proposal, the attitude of parents towards marriage.
First impression is created during the first contact of people with each other in a very short time and includes the most significant characteristics of another person for the individual. It is very stable, difficult to change, and has a strong influence on the development of further relationships between people. The resulting negative impression often becomes an insurmountable obstacle to continuing acquaintance.
Short-lived premarital dating period(less than 6 months), during which the idealization mechanism operates, preventing the knowledge of the partner’s personal characteristics and, as a result, the partner’s image turns out to have little correspondence with reality. As the relationship continues, people get to know each other more and more as individuals, while discovering many unpleasant qualities that are unexpected for them, disappointment naturally comes and, most often, separation.
Long term premarital courtship(more than 3-5 years), during which people get used to partnerships and friendships, creates difficulties in the transition and adaptation to a new type of relationship - family and marriage.
Serious quarrels and conflicts During courtship, infidelity by one of the partners disrupts the process of developing relationships necessary to create a prosperous family. These situations violate the trust of relationships, lead to alienation, isolation, and are accompanied by a variety of negative feelings and emotions.
Manifestation of direct or indirect initiatives on the part of a woman (forced or provoked proposal) distorts the gender-role identification of family relationships. Despite the modern freedom of expression of feelings and sympathies, the permissibility of a woman’s initiative in establishing contacts, in situations where the goal of establishing a relationship is to create a family, the only promising option is the initiative on the part of a man. Only in this case does a man develop confidence in his position as a husband, father and the desired role of head of the family.
Long-term (more than 2 weeks) contemplating a marriage proposal indicates some doubts about the correctness and desirability of the decision to marry this particular man. The presence of doubts is an indicator that there are reasons that create obstacles to marriage and the successful development of family and marital relations. Taking a risk means accepting the possibility of divorce in advance.
Negative parents' attitude(even one of the future spouses) to this marriage creates difficulties in further family and marital relations not only with older family members - the parents of the husband or wife, but also between spouses, because The older generation is always included in family life, even when located at a great distance.
In the traditions of all nations there is a tradition of receiving parental blessing for marriage. In modern society, this tradition has been simplified and exists in the form of obtaining parental consent for marriage. But the meaning and significance of parental blessing continue to exist, and ignoring this fact leads to many insurmountable difficulties in family life.
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Literature
Andreeva T.V. Family psychology: Textbook. 3rd ed. – St. Petersburg: Peter, 2014.
