Crisis in marriage over the years how to overcome. Crises of family life

What years do the crises of family life fall on and how to overcome them. Relationship crisis: 1st year, 3-5 years old, 7 years old, 13 years old, 25 years old

Biologists have long proved that no development of a living being is smooth and problem-free. It always happens spasmodically, in periods, and always with certain crises - steps that need to be stepped over. And in order to step over, cardinal changes are needed. And the more rapidly this crisis passes, the more vivid and qualitative the development itself will be.

The same thing happens in the psychology of relationships between people. So, the crisis of family relations over the years is either another test for people who love each other. Moreover, these "critical points" for someone can go more smoothly, and for someone - end in divorce. Moreover, the outcome does not depend on how much people love each other - on the contrary, marriages of convenience are much more stable in this regard. Everything is in the hands of the spouses themselves - and mainly family happiness depends on the tactics of the woman's behavior. And from whom else? After all, this is her mission - to be the keeper of the hearth.

Crisis of the 1st year of relationships: the birth of a family

For some reason, all the famous fairy tales of the world end with the wedding of heroes in love - as if there is nothing special after it. But the fun is just beginning!

And, of course, you can not do without lapping. As one famous writer used to say: "They merried. But there was nothing in common between them: he is a man, she is a woman.

Although usually this period for young couples is the most exciting. Lovers study each other, comprehend the intricacies of intimate relationships, travel together with pleasure. And, of course, the first year cannot be called painless: after all, each of the two has already had a well-formed romantic image of their fiance or bride, which has to be slightly adjusted by the end of the year. But for those couples who consciously and deliberately entered into marriage, there are no special problems. It is difficult only for those who had to tie themselves with the chains of Hymen because of an unexpected pregnancy or pressure from relatives. In this case, a positive attitude will help out: it doesn’t matter how chaotically family life began - the main thing is that she be happy.

Crisis of the 3rd-5th year of relations: goodbye, peace!

Many guys imagine fatherhood as something easy: well, you need to go to the zoo with your son, well, ride on your shoulders. And they are simply horrified when a small tornado breaks into their calm and measured life - not only during the day all plans will go awry from now on, but at night it will be possible to forget about a full sleep for at least six months. And it is a pity that young fathers, having somehow come to terms with the state of things, begin to look completely pessimistically into the future, presenting it exactly as it is now. They really need support!

After all, sadly, men leave the family very often just after the birth of a child. It is clear that the young mother is having a hormone malfunction, which is not sweet for her. But after all, the matter is usually not limited to a crying baby: just at this period, someone’s businesslike mother (mother-in-law, for example) breaks headlong into a barely born family. And then the hyperactive grandmother begins to bring up not only the newborn, but, of course, the son-in-law. What the latter is not always able to withstand.

How to overcome this stage: a new life stage is a new relationship. Learn to support each other, get rid of selfishness. And "maman" needs to be slowly managed on the way back. In the future, her tenderness and desire to urgently feed and clothe everyone will come in very handy: it will be very cool to give the growing mischievous and restless child to the village for the whole summer. And by the way - urgently on vacation!

The crisis of the 7th year of relations: who owes whom and how much

The reason for this crisis is the psychological fatigue of the spouses from each other. According to statistics, the lion's share of divorces falls just on the 6th and 7th year of marriage. And no wonder: both spouses for the first time live with someone for so long. Before the wedding, in rare cases, they could meet with other partners up to 3 years old, and parted with them most often just because of boredom and habit. But marriage, of course, is not so easy to leave. And the crisis must be dealt with.

How to survive this stage in a relationship? Having dug up its root and going from the opposite. And it's all about routine. That is why, according to all the laws of nature, a man should be the head of the family - after all, he is a hunter, conqueror, discoverer. He will always bring a fresh note to the relationship, new ideas. But a woman, in her essence, has always balanced this force with her own complaisance, the ability to bring peace and comfort to the house, and stability to communication. But, if the first and last word in the family is only for her, then family life in the 7th year will turn into a stagnant swamp. From where a man can suddenly and with pleasure escape.

That is why a woman needs to stop fanatically organizing everything in the house as soon as possible: books on the shelves, cups in the closet and a husband with a child. You will have to urgently get rid of the routine, and especially the habit of sawing your spouse. The 7th year is a time when everyone should have a certain freedom, when a woman urgently needs some kind of mystery, zest. And it’s bad if in the morning only mobile is engaged in charging. After all, a man is a researcher. It is important to maintain interest, easy love, excitement in it. This means that it's time to radically change your image and turn from an evil tigress into an affectionate cat - a relatively free, loving life and by no means dissolved in the family.

“Marriage is an agreement whose terms are reviewed and reaffirmed daily.” Brigitte Bardot

The crisis of the 13th year of relations: a test of strength

The culprit of this crisis is, of course, a teenager. Now this is no longer the fluffy baby that all relatives and friends loved to come to admire so much. Now it is a Personality who desperately longs for freedom and justice. And, if there are at least some rough edges in the family way of life, the teenager will definitely find them and shamelessly open them. It will be difficult to do without quarrels, and the first cracks in mutual understanding will arise just first between the parents themselves.

The explanation for this is simple: a mother sees her child first of all as a biological being that needs to be taken care of, raised and protected. And the father is like a social being that needs to be brought out into people. And a teenager in this regard is a mirror of his family. Moreover, it is the man who is the first to recognize in his son or daughter individuality, signs of growing up and independent thinking. But from under the care of a loving mother, a teenager will have to break out with a howl - on the basis of which serious reproaches and confusion between spouses will begin.

How to overcome this stage? Surviving this crisis is practically the same as reliving “your 15 years” again. That's just the parents themselves completely forget their own period of growing up and the natural rebellion for this age. But if in the previous crisis they needed to let each other go a little, now they need to start giving freedom to the fruit of their Love.

“Choosing a child is not an easy task. After all, this means that from now on and forever your heart will roam outside your body. ”Women's wisdom

The crisis of the 25th year of relations: come back, youth!

There is an honorable silver wedding on the nose, all the acquaintances look enviously at the spouses who love each other like doves, but for some reason ... discord begins in the family.

So, at this time, a woman begins an unpleasant menopause, and men, on the contrary, get younger, take care of their figure and even make greasy jokes towards young girls (which they did not allow themselves before, for example). “Demon in the rib, gray hair in the beard” - people like to talk about the fathers of families of this age. But they can be understood. Children have grown up, a career has been made, material benefits have been achieved ... Is this really all? Is there really nothing more to be achieved, nothing more to strive for? “Has the gunpowder in the powder flasks run out”? A man, unlike a woman, is very difficult to realize his own weakness. It is difficult for him even to himself to admit to the beginning decrepitude and lack of demand in society. On the contrary, the representatives of the stronger sex will stubbornly prove to everyone around that it is too early to write them off. And what happens at this time at home? Is there much-needed moral support from a spouse? Of course not. 90% of all women on the planet to celebrate their silver wedding really turn into grouchy old women, exactly the same as in the fairy tale about the goldfish. It is clear that for so many years of living together, a spouse can get bored to the point of soreness, and the list of his sins for so many years is going to be quite weighty. And what else can be more useful in the household than a guilty man? :)

How to survive this stage? This crisis is a time of great change. It is rightly said that after forty life is just beginning. So why not give yourself a second honeymoon? Start actively, like never before, relax with friends, go skiing in the mountains, take care of yourself and your appearance with pleasure? This is exactly what family psychologists advise couples at such a turn. And already adult children will only be glad to see that everything is fine with their parents.

Crisis of family relations by years is each time a new turn in the spiral. You can try to ignore it, turning an acute conflict into a chronic one, or you can allow your family to develop, change, and relationships to polish. After all, with the passage of each such milestone, love and affection are transformed and become what they should be. So, in the 1st year, a bright love “eros” turns into a strong and deep feeling of “agate”, in the 3rd-5th year, love has a fruit - a child, a third life, in the 7th year, relationships between loved ones become cozy, habitual and freer, on the 13th feeling, the connection between the spouses will undergo a serious test and will be significantly strengthened, and on the 25th year of marriage, that very first flashed spark will be transformed into a deep and tender attachment to each other. Already forever.

Both the psychology of an individual and the psychology of marriage are characterized by crisis states. Are family life crises natural stages in the development of relationships or a sign of an imbalance in relationships?

“Before, they lived in perfect harmony all their lives, but they did not know grief,” some conservative readers will say. They will say, and they will not be mistaken. Indeed, family relations just a few generations ago were vastly different from those of today. It is the archaic idea of ​​the family that can become the first barrier to overcome the crisis.

Why were marriages so strong in the past? The answer lies directly in the world around us, and specifically in society. Primitive man needed a warm hearth and care. A little later, the position of a woman as the guardian of a domestic nest intensified: men were primarily engaged in physical labor and war. But there are no living memories of this period in the mass consciousness. Many people still draw their idea of ​​a happy family life from the 18th-19th centuries. This happens, first of all, because of the living example of the grandparents (great-grandparents) and, oddly enough, the school course classical literature. It is from here that the ideas about large and friendly families “come”, where everyone plays “their” roles.

What is modern marriage and what is its role?

Since the 1950s, human civilization changed drastically. Metamorphosis befell and family relations. The rapid development of the economy (both in the West and in the USSR) provoked a demand for female labor: now a woman became financially independent. The emerging consumer society looked at the union of a man and a woman in a completely different way: cohabitation without marriage, premarital sexual relations and divorce became normal. Despite easy and cheap access to material goods, a person has become more prone to stress and depression. Recessions in family relationships have also become more intense, because now it is not customary to hide your emotions and desires.

Crisis of 1 year of family life or marriage birth crisis

The first problems begin with a young unit of society after a year of cohabitation. Emotionally, newlyweds are still very attached to their parents, their thinking system still has a “child-parent” pattern of behavior. In their behavior, young people still subconsciously copy the manner of their parents.

For example, the mother of the girl Olya was the leader in the family. Her husband Oleg has a father. Naturally, the young wife regards Oleg's attempts to lead as a suppression of his personality. Oleg, in turn, perceives the independence of the second half as disrespect for himself and Olya's unwillingness to live in marriage.

Solution

The crisis of the first year of family life is easily solved with a high level of mutual consciousness of the couple. Young, creating a family, are sure that now their disagreements will definitely come to an end. Of course it isn't. No matter how similar the temperaments of our heroes are, a certain “grinding in” is always needed.

An effective way to "prevent" the consequences of the first years living together is ordinary cohabitation. Today's social norms allow the future bride and groom to "taste" life together.

The second crisis: the crisis of 3 years of family life

The next imbalance in family relations is connected with the fact that the husband and wife finally “got used” to each other. A crisis three years known also in pedagogy. The kid makes his first conscious actions, without fail repeating to his parents: “I myself!”. The child changes his role from unconscious infancy, moving to a new, conscious stage.

A new stage, a new social role opens up before a young family. Most often, it is during this period that the birth of a child falls. Thus, yesterday's newlyweds turn into parents. And parenthood is a completely new and unexplored area for an inexperienced unit of society.

In addition to the birth of a child, spouses are forced to solve financial problems. It is by the third year of marriage that a man can turn into an ardent workaholic. In addition to the need to solve housing and financial issues, he may feel unnecessary in own house, in his own family. A newborn baby can even make a new dad feel jealous. And there is every reason for this: all attention is now paid exclusively to the child. The wife, once attractive and sweet, suddenly becomes a tortured, nervous parody of herself.

Possible consequences

Expecting help and support from her husband, a young mother meets only isolation, indifference and irritation. Love and passion eventually grow into marital friendship, or even just mutual responsibility for the child. From the current situation, men usually see one way out - to appear at home less often. Run away from the realm of diapers, constant crying, and mother-in-law's advice.

Depending on temperament, a man can “run” to two places: either to friends or to a woman. It is on the “three-year” crisis that the largest number of divorces falls.

How to overcome?

First, a novice dad needs to get used to the fact that he is a father. Mom needs to get used to the same thought. Often, it is mothers who discourage a young man from a sense of responsibility for their child. Do not be afraid to leave the child under the supervision of her husband. A young mother has the right to personal time and self-care. Spending time together more often is an excellent tool in the fight against the "crisis of the third year."

Crisis 5 years of family life - the third barrier

When a woman goes to work after a decree, her man usually does not get any better. Now the housework, previously invisible to the ever-busy father of the family, has to be divided into two. The mother of the family practically loses interest in "women's" activities: after all, from the "diaper" world, she can again return to her favorite work, to her hobbies and the usual pace of life. A representative of the strong half of humanity may experience apathy and even depression. It is especially dangerous during this period for the family breadwinner to lose his job.

Dealing is easy!

Family responsibilities must be shared. This is an unshakable rule of family life. How can a man lose faith in himself, even an unemployed man who can take care of his family?

Crisis 7 years of family life: seven years, got used, tired

The most controversial is the definition of the crisis of seven years. Psychologists characterize it as a banal fatigue from the routine. By the seventh year of marriage, a career is practically built, the housing issue is settled, and the course of life becomes monotonous and slightly boring. The child has already grown up, most likely goes to kindergarten, later to school. Everything goes on as usual. The couple studied each other "as flaky."

Such a routine is unacceptable for creative and active people. Romantic love in such a marriage, as a rule, does not remain: only strong friendship. After 7-9 years of marriage, the spouses may have really “real” lovers, and not fleeting hobbies. A family can collapse in the blink of an eye.

Especially often at this stage of marriage, it is women who initiate a divorce: often especially eccentric ladies are not embarrassed by the prospect of leaving their father with a child in their arms, the prospect of a new life with a lover is so tempting. Another reason for the initiative to break up a marriage may be the husband's infidelity. But men leave the family at this stage much less often.

Don't let the family dry up!

The controversy in defining Year 7 Crisis is that many couples define this stage his married life as a really happy period of his life. The fact is that with a grown child, loving parents are always interested. This is the first fishing in the boy's life, the first sewn dress for the doll in the girl's life, help for mom and dad. It is from this age that their children are introduced to such an important thing as traditional family values.

Don't let your family dry up! Take the whole family on a tour of exotic countries, travel around your native land, find a hobby that occupies the whole family. Remember: your child is already at a sufficiently conscious age for him to form an idea about the family, the role of children, parents. Ideas formed at 5-8 years old, by the way, will remain with a person for life.

The active life of the family also plays an important role in the formation of gender (sex) patterns of behavior.

Crisis of 14 years of marriage: shock on shock

The most problematic in psychological terms may be 14-15 years of life together. During this period, the whole family begins a "transitional age". Parents begin a midlife crisis, and just yesterday, mischievous and smiling children turn into gloomy, angular teenagers. It is this time that is most dangerous for the integrity of the family. “Heavy” thoughts begin to overcome: “what have I achieved?” "why so few?" "Who am i?". A man from an energetic father of the family smoothly turns into a "sofa philosopher".

At this age comes the understanding: now or never. A person, regardless of gender, has to do something “such”. Men can "hit" politics, subcultures, extreme sports. Mothers of families - into religion, excessive charity, dubious health practices. With all their appearance, 40-year-olds demonstrate to the world: “Hey, look, I'm still young! I'm not an old man!" Their child, on the contrary, demonstrates to the world his “adulthood” and toughness.

Unfortunately, it is precisely such thoughts that often push spouses to change. In contrast to the previous period, the initiator of adultery is usually a man.

Teenagers and parents are moving "on one mind"

“You can understand a 14-year-old boy skating and chasing girls. But what would an adult man, the head of the family! ”The grandmothers gossip at the entrance.

In fact, people who have crossed the line of middle age are more like teenagers than it seems at first glance. A midlife crisis turns previously loving, adequate spouses into irritable, tiring, and slightly eccentric people.

In order to overcome this crisis, it is enough to share each other's hobbies. Or take an example from their own children. Bring to the relationship the same naivety and romance that a couple of 14-year-old teenagers in love, walking hand in hand in the spring in the park, are capable of. Arrange your dream date, skydive, climb Elbrus or Mont Blanc! The world is still in your hands!

Empty house and pension: how not to get divorced after 25 years of marriage?

After stormy days, calm times come: the children have become almost independent (although they still need help), financial problems no longer bother. “Everything that could be achieved, we have already achieved,” can be heard from couples who have lived together for more than 20 years. It would seem that a marriage that has lasted a quarter of a century simply cannot fall apart. But that's in theory. In practice, unfortunately, there are more than enough opposite examples. Sometimes it turns out that all this time the children were the concrete holding the family together. And now that concrete has crumbled. The cell of society is disintegrating.

How not to get divorced before retirement (and during it)

It is highly doubtful that all these years the union was "held" only by children. It is certain that over the years the spouses have changed in personal terms. It is worth taking a closer look: perhaps in front of you is a new, interesting person. If you've survived so many crises, you'll survive this one.

Absolutely any crises of family life can be overcome. The main thing is to be honest with yourself and your life partner.

Forewarned is forearmed". We analyze which years of marriage are the most dangerous in order to overcome them with minimal losses. It is during periods of crisis, according to statistics, that the largest number of divorces occurs. Of course, the situation in each couple is very individual. And yet, it is possible to conditionally distinguish five main "transitional ages" of marriage.

Photo source: pozdnyakova.org

We take off our rose-colored glasses. Crisis 1 year -2 years

The first year of marriage is a period of recognition and getting used to. On the one hand, the newlyweds lose their sharpness of sensations, passionate love is replaced by a calmer relationship. Often, such changes scare novice spouses:

If I don’t feel such strong emotions as before, then I stopped loving?

On the other hand, the first serious conflicts arise. Mutual accusations are associated with closer everyday communication, the distribution of responsibilities. Newlyweds discover differences in habits, attitudes, traditions of families, and sometimes in values. There is a desire to remake the partner and impose his own ways of interacting with the world.

In some families, the crisis is complicated by the appearance of a child. Partners are forced to simultaneously cope with two new roles - newlyweds and parents.

Photo source: lovepath.ru

It has been observed that spouses who have personal space get along much better together. Everyone should have a place that belongs only to him, where he can be alone. This also applies to psychological comfort. You can’t insist that a person tell you literally everything, writes mamka.ru

Way to yourself. Crisis 3-4 years

During this period, there is a personal "interpenetration" in a couple and a kind of dependence on relationships appears. Awareness of this pushes for attempts to return to the former, which can manifest itself in the establishment of old ties, and in changing jobs.

Photo source: pixabay.com

During these years in marriage, the birth of the first child most often occurs. With the advent of the baby, the roles of the spouses change, they become parents. The burden associated with physical, psychological and material costs is increasing.

The young mother is absorbed in caring for the baby, and the husband feels abandoned and superfluous in this relationship. Especially if he is not attracted to conscious fatherhood, but is tried to be used only as an obedient assistant.

Do not be afraid to trust your husband with the role of a father, he will cope with it no worse than you cope with the role of a mother. But make sure that your new status (caring parents) does not cancel the former (loving spouses).

Day after day. Crisis of 6-7 years

In the life of the family, everything is stable and well-established: life, communication, work. But in sex there is satiety with the partner's body. Many men complain that romance has left the relationship, the spouse does not share their hobbies.

That is why most cheating in married couples occurs during this period.

Women return to work. After several years of home life, everything new is perceived as emotional, bright, and I want to change a lot. The wife becomes financially less dependent on her husband.

Photo source: bewoman.club

Women in crisis are trying to return to the days when "everything was just beginning." They can enthusiastically buy beautiful lingerie, have a candlelit dinner... You can’t turn back the clock, and what your spouse liked seven years ago can now cause irritation.

An attempt to restore relations with the help of the birth of a second child will also be erroneous. Children are not a means of manipulating a husband. On the contrary, an increase in psycho-emotional and physical stress during a crisis can lead to family breakdown. Romantic moments are needed, but they should be completely different - something new, interesting, unusual.

"And it's all?". Crisis 11-13 years old

It would seem that everything that is possible has been experienced together: difficulties, lack of finances, illness, failures ... Why do some couples decide to leave after such a life test?

Perhaps this is the most inexplicable crisis. Spouses characterize him with the words “we have become strangers”, but they simply cooled down, there is no strength to “invest” in relationships. Perhaps this is an echo of one of the unresolved crises of past years.

In addition, such a period sometimes coincides with the midlife crisis of one of the spouses, when there is a reassessment of values. There may be a fear that there are not many years left when there is a chance to “start all over again”

Photo source: piter-training.ru

Your own achievements and goals may seem insufficient, but you need to learn to accept them and set new goals. Not only for yourself as an individual, but for the family as a world that you continue to master.

Identify small but common joint tasks that will develop your marriage. Together look for new ways to realize the accumulated potential.

Children have not yet grown up, but they have a period of choosing a life position. Its activity largely depends on you. And if the younger generation sees energetic, passionate about life, loving parents, and not boring guardians, then not only the children themselves will benefit, but your “family boat” will not “break” into everyday life.

"Empty Nest Syndrome". Crisis 20 years

The children are grown up and have their own lives. In families where relationships were built only around the interests of the child, the link is missing. The very meaning of the relationship is lost.

Many men divorce at this stage, as a sense of guilt and duty to children did not allow them to break off these relationships earlier.

Women do not tire of reminding that the “best years” were given to the spouse, which means that he now has to repay his debts.

Photo source: blondlife.ru

In fact, the crisis occurs because both spouses forget about the important advantage of this period of marriage. After all, parting with an active parental role, you seem to be returning to your youth, when marriage was your main family function. Now is the time to remember all the good things marriage has brought you.

Remember what dreams and plans you once put off until "better times" - now there is a great opportunity to realize them. In sexual relations, your attention to each other, affection and tenderness are now more important than ever. Do not be afraid to experiment, diversify your intimate life.

So, be patient and attentive to each other, love and respect your partner, then you are not afraid of any crises!

There are rules that wise couples follow throughout their lives. And then not only the crisis years are overcome without loss, but the golden wedding comes as a holiday.

• Don't build up irritation. Try to find the right moment to discuss the problem. The partner does not have to read your mind, but he can hear you.
• Don't push your partner away when they want to be together. Always listen to each other, be attentive to his problems and feelings. Never manipulate your partner with prohibitions or permissions for sex.
• Choose wording. Try not to blame your spouse, but to say how you feel when a conflict occurs. (Instead of "You again...", say, for example, "It makes me very upset when you...")
• Treat the views and interests of your spouse with due respect, honor the traditions of his family. Don't Hinder Change
• in the life of a spouse, be for him an ally and support in all endeavors.
• Create your world! Expand and strengthen the zones of mutual interests, create the history of your family, its traditions, even your own language.
• Move on to a new stage of family development without waiting for crises, do not let the routine steal your love from you.
• The joy of mutual recognition can intensify over the years. This applies to both body and soul. In sex, new nuances and overtones appear that are not available to any “kamasu-tre”. Constantly engage in self-development, improve - and then you will be interesting to your partner as a person.

Photo source: snitsya-son.ru

• There are no perfect people! Appreciate and develop the positive qualities of a partner.

Secrets of family centenarians:

I heard this story from a lady who lived happily with her handsome husband for over 30 years. A high-ranking diplomat, he was with his wife at all social events. He was surrounded by a large number of beautiful and intelligent women. And of course, not without hobbies. When she saw that her husband was beginning to be interested in another woman, she did not make scenes for him. She approached her, started a conversation, carefully observed this lady and tried to understand what she had interested her husband in. And then I tried to generate this quality in myself. When a husband discovered in his wife a virtue that attracted him to another, the romance died out by itself.

Psychologist's comment:

History sounds a little fantastic, but experience shows that people who have lived in happy marriage, become one. It is difficult to keep passionate love until old age, but you need to forgive insults, respect the other, be attentive to the little things. Tips from the "veterans": do not go to bed in a quarrel, kiss each other often, find time for romantic moments.

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